everything in the furnace eventually burns

I am so mad right now.

The worse part is I am blaming someone I shouldn't. I cannot help myself, though. I am only human after all. They say that humans have a tendency to feel as if they know more pain or are that they are more lonely than anyone else they know. I feel that way sometimes. I know this cannot be entirely true, but unless I know that you've been through what I've been through, seen what I saw, carry a guilt the same as I carry mine, I know that I will always know more pain than anyone else I know.

At a balcony of a favorite breakfast place, where exciting talks happen, made more exciting with the most delicious doughnut and bitter cigarettes, my best friend told me: memory aids healing. No, I wanted to tell her. Memory reminds you of dried wounds only to gash it again. I remained silent and shrugged my shoulders instead.

I wish I could say that I'm an expert in forgetting. That's what I've been doing for the past 5 years, after all. Forgetting. And I wish I could say that forgetting aids healing, contrary to what my best friend said, but I know this can't be entirely true, as well. I learned that you can never truly forget; just like burying treasure. You bury it deep in the ground, but no matter what happens, even if you think you've forgotten, you'll always know where it is. Even if you can't see it, your mind will always know it exists. Thus, ever present.

Someone once said, everything in the furnace eventually burns. I hope so. I'd prefer being left with ashes that will eventually dissolve with the wind, rather than having to live with its presence forever.

Like so many times before, I promised never to write again about my perpetual loneliness. It just can't be helped, though. Writing is all I have, after all. The best thing about writing is that I always feel tons better after. I know I do, right now. I am sorry you had to read this, but not so sorry because I never told you to.

And yes, after two years, this blog is back to life.